Howard: Part II (The Reckoning)

“Poverty often deprives a man of all spirit and virtue; it is hard for an empty bag to stand upright.” -Benjamin Franklin

I awoke, letting out a long, guttural groan. My eyeballs felt like they were going to fall out of my head. I checked my phone for the time. “2 new messages.” There was a sinking sensation. It was 12:45pm on Sunday afternoon. I checked the messages.

Haha, we didn't even go to church!

The first message was from Thompy at 10:57am. The next was from Howard.

Where are you?

Howard had sent the message at around 7. I got out of bed and felt a little drunk still. I walked into the kitchen and guzzled a glass of cold water. I felt bloated and disgusting. I folded the sleeper sofa and sheets and made my way to the door. It felt like about 35 degrees outside, and it was raining. I composed a text message to Howard on James’ front porch.

I made some regrettable decisions last night. For that, I am very sorry. I'm on my way back right now.

I left around 1:00p and walked in the rain. My clothes and feet were soaked when I arrived back at Howard’s around 2:30p. He was sitting at the kitchen table. I walked in and set his spare keys down on the table without saying a word.

“What took you so long?” Howard asked, his eyes never leaving his computer screen.

“It’s a long walk from Wriggleyville to Roger’s Park.” I replied.

“Why did you walk? The Red Line’s right there!”

“I spent all of my remaining money last night.” He just shook his head and said nothing.

I walked into the living room and began to pack my belongings back into my tote. There was a long while where neither of us said anything. I just wanted to get the hell out before he broke the silence and began to guilt trip me.

“So… why did you apologize earlier?” I was crouched over my bag stuffing clothes in. I paused for a moment and stared at the wall while I pondered the question.

“Because I neglected a commitment I had made to you and I feel like I disappointed you.”

“Come here.” I walked in and sat down at the dining room table with him, folding my fingers and resting my arms on the table. Howard reached out and wedged his hand in between mine and proceeded to hold my hand. I was immediately defensive.

I didn’t want to pull away because it would add animosity to an already tense situation. I pursed my lips and maintained direct eye contact indicating my disapproval of the inappropriate contact. He ignored my body language. He began to speak in a wistful, soft-spoken tone.

“I’m not disappointed in you. When I woke up this morning and you weren’t here I didn’t know what happened. I had to wait until the boys got up to find out that you stayed with your friend. Why didn’t you text me?”

“I didn’t think you’d appreciate a drunk text at three in the morning explaining that I wasn’t coming back or going to church in the morning.”

“Why were you drinking?” He asked.

“A lapse of reason, I suppose. It was the last night the blokes and I would have together before we parted ways. We went to Wicker Park, what do you expect?”

“A real lapse in reason. You know that’s a contradiction to the house rules, right?”

“Well you seem to have suspended “the rules” for them so what’s the difference? They told you they were going out to bars. You’re holding a double standard. If you took issue with it, you should have nipped the problem in the butt then. You were sending us mixed messages.”

“They weren’t causing an incident. You caused an incident.”

“I decided to respect your rules and not come back drunk and wake you up. I recognize that it was inconsiderate neglecting to notify you of my whereabouts. For that I apologize. You have every reason to be angry with me.”

“I’m not angry at you. I love you and I don’t want to see you destroying yourself. When you do these things you devalue yourself and you devalue the image of God within you.”

I lost my composure at that exact moment. I didn’t mean to laugh in his face but I really kind of did. I pulled my hand out of his grip used it to hoist myself up from the table. “I’ve got somewhere to be.” I said.

Howard got up and followed me into the front room. “Let me tell you about a time when I had a ‘lapse in reason.'” He said. “I was in my 20’s and I was under a lot of stress. I’d had a really difficult day at work and there were a lot of things getting out of control in my life. Then one night in a moment of weakness, not only did I give up my purity but I paid to have it taken from me. I defiled my own temple, and I defiled the image of God inside of me.”

I did my best to hide the shock of this news. I nodded my head. I imagined myself in the situation. I felt this intense sensation of self-reflection which must have come from feeling so ugly that nobody would possibly want to have sex with you unless they were being paid… then add to that the guilt of having wronged some ultimate power. I was glad in that moment that I do not subscribe to any religion. It must have been a pitiful scene to be a part of.

Howard continued, “You can control your actions, you can’t control the consequence.” This was perhaps the most useful thing he ever said.

“You know, Howard, one of my ultimate fears is of hurting people. I am acutely aware of my impact on others. What ends up happening is that I’m so self-conscious about being ugly and barbaric that I forfeit opportunities to get ahead in life.” That was the first time I had ever vocalized that before. Only as I was saying it did I realize that I was connecting a cause and effect that I had never seen before. I was learning about myself.

“Then why did you deliberately ignore the house rules last night, knowing that you would disappoint me?” Howard was becoming more poignant. Now we were getting somewhere. He was letting his wall down and with disregard for my feelings. We were getting closer to truth. Now we could have a real conversation.

“I was drunk. I stopped caring. You know how that goes.”

“NO! I don’t.” Howard declared in an elevated tone, then pivoted around and marched back into the dining room and sat at his computer.

“Do you mean to say that you’ve never been drunk?!” I asked, as I took a seat at the opposite opposite to him at the table.

“No, I haven’t. Maybe you can explain something to me… why do people drink, anyway?”

“Misdirected mating instinct I suppose.” Howard waited for me to go on. I just let the silence linger.

“Care to unwrap that one for me?”

“Well, I mean, the initial appeal is to meet someone. Even if that doesn’t happen you end up in an emotionally heightened state. Similar to the way you feel when you have your morning coffee.”

“I guess I’ll never understand it.” Howard said. “I still love you and I care about you, which is why I don’t want to see you destroying yourself.” Every time he said that I cringed. He was being a little too familiar for having only known me for a week. “You look like you’re about to cry,” Howard continued.

“Wrong again, Howard.” I got up and continued to pack my bags. Only then did I realize that he wasn’t trying to manipulate just for the sake of control. He was a sad and lonely man just looking for people to love him, just like so many of us.

I wanted so badly to help him, but he wasn’t ready for it. I couldn’t tell him that he was misguided in his attempts to coerce affection out of strangers. I couldn’t tell him that he was wrong to invite travelers into his home but insist that they enjoy Chicago in a way that he deemed fit. It was time for me to go. I put on my backpack and duffel bag and I prepared to see myself out.

“Just one last thing…” I declared. “If you are letting feral cats in, don’t be surprised when you get scratched.” Howard looked puzzled. I didn’t say anything more, I just turned and walked away.

I got in my car and prepared for the next leg of my journey. This time my host was to be a refugee from Lebanon.